So it was a big day yesterday. I handed in my master thesis. cool, aye? I thought so, too.
however, I have to admit I have been stressed out like some crazy sheep for the last week. maybe for some of you this doesn't mean a lot or is quite normal. but those of you who actually know me in person know that I'm never stressed out. I need the pressure to keep going but this time it was too much.I snapped.
maybe to give you a little insight into my personal life and to understand me better:
well, I have never been an A student. I know school systems are different all over the world and even in little switzerland they are not all the same. I was an average student. I never failed a class (I almost did, my first year at high school) and I just went through school with good grades. nothing special though. I never understood how people had to take a break before they started university as it was so hard to get that diploma (the high school one, it's so hard to explain this.. ) and from all that hard work they needed a year off school. I never got that, never.
I thought I hadn't put too much effort into high school and I got average grades. I never had to put a lot of effort into those grades. I also know I could have been an A student. but I was never ambitious enough. never. I love life too much!
well, the thing is that since I can remember I have always worked like this: don't study during the semester but one week before the exams. that is just how I worked. I was too lazy to do anythig during the semester and that got even worse at university as no one cared about anything but the exams. so it just encouraged me to keep on going the way I was used to (even though I know it isn't a good way to study).
so I kept on going through my years at university and got my bachelor's degree and when I failed an exam I didn't care as I knew I would pass it a few weeks later as I knew exactly that I hadn't been studying the first time around. so it was all ok. I told meself so many times "mel, you have to chaneg. start studying earlier and everything will be fine!" I never did. I never changed. never. Iit wasn't that I just hung around like a lazy couch potato. I always worked (everything from 1 day a week at the beginning to 5 days a week during the last year) and I like d working. I liked being a housewife trying to take care of my hubby and so on.
now I was supposed to write my master thesis. I did. But this time, I snapped. I have never ever felt this way before. and I know it's al my fault. I was actually stressed out. for the first time in my entire life I wasn't hungry (can you imagine this!!!!!!) and I lost 5 kgs in one week. it's not that I didn't finish in time but it kind of dawned on me that this is it. this is supposed to be my masterpiece and I have been slacking on it as well. once again I was cursing myself like so many times before and I wanted to press a rewind button just to have some extra days. (well this didn't happen obviously!)
so here I am. all stressed, still trembling and I really haven't felt this bad in my entire life. now all I can do is wait and hope. maybe this time around I won't be the lucky one anymore and I actually just broke my own backbone..
but then I will get up as I always do, hold my head up high and continue the path that has been waiting for me.( Whatever that may be.. cupcakes, anyone???) right? what the HELL are you thinking???? OF COURSE I WILL KICK LIFES BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's what it looks like when I'm done. you haven't seen the office yet.
Pandora still believes in me.
on my way to hand in my thesis
No comments:
Post a Comment